nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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