I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
