i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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