I cannot find my penis.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize