Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
