I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
