Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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