My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
