Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
