Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
