Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
No stitches, just platelets and will power
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
where are my eyebrows?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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