Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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