Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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