If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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