oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
