I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
