I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
