meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
