I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I supernannyed him into submission
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
