i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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