Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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