he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
