Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just pee around me
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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