There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
