Got a toothbrush?
I think I won the penis lottery.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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