so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
