Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
