Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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