We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
