the condom got lost in my hair
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
