I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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