In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
