so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
