Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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