Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
