Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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