I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
