I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
