Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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