i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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