I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
