chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
