All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
