once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
