how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
