I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
