Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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