3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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