Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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