i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
