And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
