So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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