If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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