why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
