I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
