In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
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As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
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She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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