I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.