I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.