she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
