I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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