The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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