My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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